


Once Upon a Time, There Was Sodomy

by Kantayra



Category: Smallville
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-24
Updated: 2007-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-19 01:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/195496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fairytale of Clark, Lex, and sodomy, as narrated by an annoyed Mxyzptlk. In other words, the definition of crack!fic. :P</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon a Time, There Was Sodomy

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has nothing to do with Christmas, but I'm posting it anyway, whee! It's also kind of predicated upon knowing who [Mxyzptlk](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mxyzptlk) in the DC-verse is and _not_ the SV one from 'Jinx' in S4, either. Since some people might not know the basics, here is all you need to know: 1) Mxyzptlk is an essentially omnipotent being from the Fifth Dimension. 2) He's a trickster-type character and likes to fuck with Superman, just because he can. 3) The only way to get rid of him is to make him say his name backwards, at which point he's banished back to his home dimension for another 90 days. 4) He's _really_ gullible about being tricked into saying his name backwards. Basically, he was DC's version of crack!fic before I even got a hold of him. As a result, this fic is extra speshul crack!fic. *face palm* Sorry about this, folks...

“Jeez, where do I even begin?

“I suppose you’d _say_ at the beginning, if you could talk to me, but that’s really impossible. Your feeble human brain cannot even _begin_ to contemplate the _real_ beginning. But I suppose I’ll have to make do with what I’ve got.

“So, once upon a time… No, wait. That’s no good. The problem with time, you see, is that it’s all relative. Even on Earth, time doesn’t really _mean_ anything. You can be sitting in your home, talking on your primitive little heckelphone or whatever to someone on the top of Mount Everest, and time will be moving at entirely different speeds for the two of you.

“Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘What’s a few nanoseconds between friends?’ But once you start sprawling about the galaxy, those nanoseconds become centuries, my friend. And then where are you? You can say it’s Tuesday, the 7th of October in the year 2013, and it’s already a millennium later when you actually tell your intergalactic pen pal the date. Oh no, time is no good.

“The problem with you humans and your beastly little language is that you don’t even have the _words_ to describe the beginning. I don’t know why. Pretty much every _other_ race that could rub its brain cells together long enough to develop interdimensional portals could figure it out.

“In fact, there’s a race called the Xyxyxy in the Aaa System who have a language that is, coincidentally, exactly like Earth English. Except _they_ have a word for thuckuluk. It really is a vital word to any language.

“And… Hey, wait a minute! Are you _laughing_? _You_? You could spend your whole _lifetime_ and never come up with ‘thuckuluk’! Stop that! Stop laughing! ARGH!

“Ahem.

“So, yes. Since you’re _forcing_ me on this point, due to that insignificant, myopic little brain of yours, I suppose I’ll use the word ‘time.’ Although I shudder just _thinking_ about how wrong this is going to end up. Can we put one of those warnings on this whole conversation, to let the kids know that if they listen to this rubbish, their brains will turn to mush? ‘Time,’ indeed…

“Now, where was I? Oh, right. Once upon a _time_ – by which I really mean thuckuluk – two beings came into existence at one moment. Now, you might think this is special. Well, I hate to break it to you, but you’re **_WRONG_**!

“What’s the matter? Why aren’t you laughing? Oh, that’s right. My bad. You can’t look through the interdimensional void, can you? Well, if you could, you’d be laughing at your interdimensional self, _believe_ me.

“But, anyway, pretty much every time a being comes into existence, another one pops up somewhere else in the Multiverse at the same time. I know it’s hard for you to wrap your limited mind around the concept, but go study particle physics or Oprah or something. For something to exist, its opposite has to also exist. So things come into the universe in pairs, capisce?

“So, now, these two beings weren’t at all special because they came into the Multiverse at the same – oh, don’t make me say it again – _time_. This happens all over, and usually you little Third Dimensional types live about your merry little lives completely ignorant of this fact. The Multiverse _does_ have to sense to stick opposite particles far away from each other. These two didn’t even come into being on the same planet.

“What _was_ unusual in this case was that the planet of one of these beings decided it would be a total lark to start shipping random junk off to the planet of the other one. What with the Multiverse being a fickle mistress and dramatic irony being what it is, of _course_ they eventually had to send that one being in its little capsule to the planet of the other one. Someone _really_ should have told the Kryptonians that the last time two opposites met, there was a cataclysmic war, and that’s how lawyers first came into the Multiverse. I still shudder to think about it.

“So, the point of all this is that two complementary beings ended up on the same planet. Now, the Multiverse _did_ try to spare everyone by sticking the Kryptonian in the middle of Bumfuck, Kansas. Unfortunately, the Multiverse didn’t count on the fact that Earthling might actually _like_ bumfucking.

“Of course, long story short, they met. Now, when two opposite particles meet, they do one of two things: they bond or they blow up. These two did a little of both, and before long they were sucking face as part of some weird Earth custom surrounding drowning victims. Now, if the Kryptonian had actually stuck his tongue down the Earthling’s throat like the very nature of the Multiverse demanded, everyone could probably have been saved a whole lot of annoying bickering. And death rays.

“Unfortunately, this particular Kryptonian is the most annoying, stubborn, and pigheaded being in all of existence. What’s that? Oh, good. Glad you can agree with me on _that_ point, at least.

“So when bonding didn’t occur, an explosion was imminent. The Earthling _tried_ to alleviate things by bending over pool tables in hopes that the Kryptonian would rip his clothes off and sodomize him until he couldn’t see straight. However, in a bizarre twist of irony, Bumfuck, Kansas, outlaws the sodomy after which it really should have been named. As a result, the Kryptonian _didn’t_ sodomize the Earthling and instead ran back to his barn every night like a total jerk. And, by ‘jerk,’ I refer to the activity that he participated in every night in that barn while _thinking_ about ripping off the Earthling’s clothes and sodomizing him all over the pool table until he couldn’t see straight. Have I mentioned yet that this Kryptonian has the head of a brick? Oh, good.

“Insertion of any kind continued to evade the pair, due to the inept bumbling of that particular Kryptonian, and soon enough the Earthling and the Kryptonian were setting off explosions all over Kansas. They probably would’ve taken the world down eventually. But I’m sure you know this part as well as I do.

“Thankfully, one day _someone_ thought to shove that Kryptonian into some of the Pink Kryptonite that the Kryptonians had sent when they’d been sending everything but the kitchen sink over to Earth. Pink Kryptonite, as we all know, makes Kryptonians want to sodomize the nearest thing they can get their hands on. Believe me, there were some nasty incidents on Krypton with the native brekkas – not too different from your cows, I suppose – before the Kryptonians finally decided to get rid of the stuff by dumping it all on Earth.

“Despite the endless, mind-numbing plethora of Earth cows available, the Kryptonian finally got himself a clue, flew right over to LexCorp, and proceeded to sodomize the brains out of his counterpart. And then he did it again for good measure. And a third time and a fourth time, and this is why it kind of sucks to be a omnipotent being with a vendetta against that Kryptonian because it means that I can’t spy on him and _not_ know what you two did with that feather boa. And the _licorice_! Honestly, what were you _thinking_? I mean, I know the two of you have been in danger of exploding for almost a decade now, but _honestly_! I was _so_ much happier before I had to know _that_.

“Anyway, at the end of it, the Earthling and the Kryptonian weren’t really in danger of exploding at all anymore, thanks to the healing powers of sodomy. Instead, they just wanted to sodomize each other all the time, to the horror of all omnipotent beings everywhere. Even though it was _still_ illegal in Kansas.

“Which is why, my little Earthling, you now make the perfect bait. By my calculations, you and that Kryptonian haven’t sodomized each other in, oh, about fourteen hours, give or take. That is, of course, using that limited definition of ‘time’ that you humans are so fond of.

“So! Any minute now, that Kryptonian pest is going to come through that door, and I will have my ultimate revenge on him. You can applaud my diabolical plan now.”

“Mmph-mm-mmmph?”

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“Mmph-mmm!”

“Oh, right. The gag… Here.”

“I _said_ , ‘you call that diabolical?’”

“Well, I… Yes, of course! Why…?”

“Clark wasn’t kidding about his other enemies, I see. I’ve come up with more diabolical plans in my _sleep_.”

“I… Hey, wait! I explained that! Opposite particles, and forces of creation in the Multiverse! It’s not _my_ fault you were born to get under his skin. Literally.”

“Sure. If you say so.”

“What? Do you think I don’t have enough explosives? Or maybe I should go with robots instead? A bit of that evil scientist retro charm… Or, hey, death rays! Who doesn’t love a good death ray? And that was your whole… _thing_ , wasn’t it? What do you say to one more death ray, for old time’s sake?”

“Whatever.”

“Look, I know this whole repeated sodomy thing had fried your brain, but you could at least _try_ to look interested in the fact that I’m finally going to destroy your former arch-nemesis. Something which, might I add, _you_ never accomplished.”

“Wait, what do you have against Clark again?”

“What do I—? Why I—? You mean he hasn’t—! He _must_ have told you all about me!”

“No. Not really.”

“Mxyzptlk?”

“Afraid not.”

“Omnipotent being for the Fifth Dimension?”

“Not ringing any bells.”

“The persistent, unwavering thorn in Superdolt’s side?”

“Sorry.”

“You mean to tell me that after _all_ those times he tricked me into saying ‘Kltpzyxm,’ he didn’t mention me to his boyfriend even—Oh, bugger.”

With a flash of light, the little man and all the bizarre creations he’d brought with him vanished in a bright flash. Lex Luthor himself almost fell to the floor when the ties – literally, the neckties that had suddenly flown out from his dresser – that had bound him vanished.

Fortunately, Clark took that moment to dash in wearing his full Superman regalia and catch Lex in his arms like he would a swooning romance novel heroine. “Is he gone?” Clark asked breathlessly, his lips inches from Lex’s.

“I just asked him why he’d kidnapped me. It was even easier than you told me it would be,” Lex agreed, parting his lips as Clark caught him up in a toe-curling kiss.

“He’s annoying,” Clark agreed, carrying Lex over to the bed.

“Yes, I’d have to say the whole experience was very – Oh God, yes! Do that again! – _strange_.”

“Well, we’ve got ninety more days now, uninterrupted.”

“Mmm, then we’d better get started on the sodomy.”

“Mmm, yes,” Clark agreed. “Who doesn’t love a little sodomy from time to time?”

Truly, they were words to live by.


End file.
